An Obvious Mistake

It's almost time to masturbate in front of a mirror for the next 4 hours.
              
I'm sorry, I meant it's almost time for the Oscars.

Ozzie and Harriet had Herpes

My daughter has an ear infection, my wife has pneumonia. OF COURSE the healthiest person in the house is the one who drinks, smokes, and does drugs.

I actually think I died years ago and am simply filled with too many chemicals to stop being ambulatory.