It Happens To The Best Of Us

73 days without being arrested. I must be maturing.

Pee-Thought #72

So a 70-something dude did some research, and found out that legally North Dakota is NOT a state,

How cool is that?!

I was just planning on buying a metal detector when I got old.

From The Annals of Self Awareness

Apparently there was an earthquake today in Virginia that was felt all the way to Massachusetts.

Here in NYC...I just thought it was particularly good weed.

The Price of Stupid: $270

So...thanks to my Public Defender (Ms. Norman, YOU ROCK!), I am officially not a criminal but rather a violator.

I never thought in my almost 43 years of life I would be grateful for the distinction.

She noticed I had been charged with the wrong crime (they had accused me of having the blade on my person, and threatening another person when it was simply in my backpack) and pleaded me down to disorderly conduct.


Seriously, could I have possibly come up with a better name for my blog?

Pee-Thought

I know I'm gettin' old when using my prostate leaves me winded.

So, That Happened.

My wife, daughter, and I just had our best family vacation EVER! We went to Puerto Rico for the first, and surely not the last, time. A huge chunk of what made it great was our friend Araina, and her family that live there.

 She took our daughter for a night so that we could go to Old San Juan as a married couple....you know, and do naughty things.

                                         Oh, and I got arrested at JFK for weapons possession and went to jail, missed my flight, and have to appear before a Judge in 2 weeks.

                                                                                                    But then, you'd guessed that already.

              To Be Continued: Because it REALLY HAPPENED, and I'm gonna' milk the experience for all it's worth.

Atheism 101

Sherwood Schwarz, the creator of "The Brady Bunch", and  "Gilligans Island", has died at the age of 94!!!

He lived longer than Vincent Van Gogh, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Bill Hicks.

Yeah, I gotta' go back to The Man.  " If there is a god, he is a malign thug."

Seriously, that's just wrong.

Delusion Of The Day

Recently, looking in a mirror, I realized I could have been an action star.

Then I took a second look, and realized I'd be the partner that gets killed in the first 10 minutes.

It is a CHILLING recognition.

Y'know? Like when your pubes go gray.

I Rarely Bite

For the few of you that actually read my psychotic screeds, I want to let you know.

I will NOT flame you if you comment.

Just wanted to get that out there.

Yet Another Reason I'm An East Coast Snob

No joke this time, just an observation.

My daughter can grow up and marry whomever she falls in love with.

As long as she sticks to her roots, the Northeast.

And they say California leads progressive change?

I'm Not Telling Where Though...(girlish giggle).

While I got an amazing terry-cloth bathrobe for Fathers day, the important present is coming this week. I was given permission from The Overlord/My wife that we can afford a new tattoo. NEW INK!!! Huzzah!!! I say, Huzzah!!!

So as not to keep the 7 of you that occasionally actually read my drunken ramblings in suspense, the new tat is....(picture it in an old fashioned typewriter font)


You must never be afraid to go there.
                                                              Harlan Ellison

Too on the nose?

My Solo Gift Of The Magi

I was supposed to get an eye exam the other day. Instead I blew it off, and went to the comic book store. When I got home, and went to read my comics.....yeah,I couldn't.

I'm an idiot.

But we knew that already.

I Don't Even Own A Car, So Fuck Off.

New York recently passed a law that makes it illegal to smoke on public beaches, and in public parks.

It gets better.

They announced that the NYPD would not be expected to enforce the law, that falls on the Parks Department, and fellow citizens.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!

Don't Read This Post.....No, Seriously, DON'T!

I've found my first positive about aging. While, yes it's true, your balls start to droop, apparently so does your cock. Which, therefore, makes it look bigger.

I warned you in the headline.

YOU chose to come this far.

Why I Don't Have A Problem With Groundhogs Day

I find Fathers Day to be the most disturbing holiday EVER! It's a day based around the fact that I'm obligated to call my Dad and thank him for fucking my Mom.

That's fucked up.

I'm Beginning To Think I Should Have Saved This Post For Valentines Day

It's Fathers Day this Sunday. So to 50% of the dads that read this, Fuck You. You're cheating on your wife, and are therefore, by definition,  a scumbag.

So as not to sound like I'm a complete cynic, kudos to those of you that have been hitting that, and only that, all these years.

If our wives can put up with it, so should we.

Unless you're married to one of those 42% bitches that is cheating on you.

Make Me Mow The Lawn Will You...?

It never ceases to amuse me how uncomfortable my 75 year old, Alabama raised, father seems to get when I sign off on phone calls with "I love you".

Not that he doesn't hit me back with an "I love you too.", but there's always the slight...pause. I like to think of it as the residual "Holy-Crap-If-I-Say-I-Love-You-To-Another-Male-It-Makes-Me-Gay" attitudes he was surrounded by growing up.

Which is why I delight in torturing him with "love" every phone call.

Does that make me a sadistic bastard?

I LOOOOOVVVVVEEEE YOU DADDY!!!!

Universe, what the fuck's your problem!?

Within the last 2 months we've had two sets of friends suffer the deaths of their infant children.

I REALLY don't understand how some of you walk around believing in god on a daily basis.

I'll just quote The Man , " If there is a god, he is a malign thug".

I Am The Gay Son My Mother Always Wanted (without the whole man on man love thing)

I spent  an inordinate amount of time on the phone today talking in , sadly, great detail, about the ROYAL WEDDING.

If I wind up coming out in my 401K years, I think we can all look back and say "DOY!"

Because...I Care

So yet again my wife, Brunhilda, and my daughter, Gretel, are both sick at the same time. One of them is vomiting all over themselves, others, and furniture. The other sounds like somebody shoved a goose into their sinuses when they talk.

I'll leave it to your imaginations which is which.

My point is...Drum-Roll Please...(Hear Drum-Roll in head) I'm as healthy as an Ox. I smoke, drink, and do drugs and that's my diet (Hear Rim-Shot in head).

But seriously folks, I think I may be the genetic freak so many of you have suspected I was. I mean who gets told two different times they might have two different types of cancer by two different doctors, only to be told TWICE "Well no it's not cancer, but you've got all the symptoms."

ME! That's who. So seeing as my "healthy living" wife and daughter are the apparent sickies in the family, I am now officially announcing the Verbal Hooligan Lifestyle Plan (Trademark/Patent Pending).

Smoke, Drink, Do Drugs.

And kids, I'm a professional. You can trust me.

Things You Don't Need To Know

So I've been sweating the idea that I had testicular cancer for a few weeks. You know, what with the doctors saying as much. Thanks to my freakish genetics, turns out, I don't.  And yet again they can't figure out why I have the symptoms, but not the disease.

The boys may be hanging lower than ever, but knowing they get to stay a pair, they're riding high.

Figuratively of course. I'm 42. My balls droop.

If Not Me , Who? If not Now, When?

I've decided to start my memoirs, "The Common Decency Of A Misanthrope". I thought I would tempt you, my faithful reader, with the opening line.

"If I've ever met you chances are I hate you. BUT... I never let you know it."

Actually, screw the memoir. I've said everything neanderthal, miscreants like you deserve to hear.

FUCK OFF!

Now I'm Just Depressed

I did stand-up for 6 years. Most of it horribly offensive to any decent human being. Yet my wife, who occasionally appears on The Martha Stewart Show, is the first one of us to get hate mail from an audience member.
                   I'm sorry, but that hurts. I did jokes about sodomizing the pope while saying "Who's your pontiff, who's your pontiff?". My wife shows how to make doilies, or something equally boring, and SHE gets hate mail?!

What do I have to do? ACTUALLY sodomize the pope?! The best part is, the "Hate" is directed at her for being a working mother. So we're dealing with someone who is obviously "bat shit crazy", as Freud put it. And, thanks to postmarks, we know they sent it from here in the city.

I've been thinking of getting my wife many things for her upcoming birthday, it never dawned on me that a potential stalker could be the gift that keeps on giving.

But Whose Doesn't?

The more I see myself in the mirror as I grow facial hair, the more I worry my wife has a Ted Kaczynski fantasy.

Be Thankful I Don't Post A Picture

I stopped shaving a few weeks ago for the same reason I've never killed anyone. I'm REALLY lazy. That and the fact that my wife is apparently turned on by patchy-faced-geriatric-homeless-werewolves.

An Obvious Mistake

It's almost time to masturbate in front of a mirror for the next 4 hours.
              
I'm sorry, I meant it's almost time for the Oscars.

Ozzie and Harriet had Herpes

My daughter has an ear infection, my wife has pneumonia. OF COURSE the healthiest person in the house is the one who drinks, smokes, and does drugs.

I actually think I died years ago and am simply filled with too many chemicals to stop being ambulatory.

Really? There's more indignity to come?

I have had so many different doctors fingers in my mouth, up my ass, and otherwise invading me that I feel like I should be boarding a plane when they're done.
        Couple that with all the fucking needles they've been poking me with, I'm beginning to believe that in a previous life I was a biker gangs bitch and/or pin cushion of a sewing circle.

                         But GOD loves me....GOD being Girls On Demand, an escort service I use.

"Most. Expensive. Tech. Rehearsal. Ever."

Those are the words I said to my wife when, literally less than 60 seconds into the opening scene of SPIDERMAN: TURN OFF THE DARK, they stopped the show for 5 minutes, then simply moved on to scene 2.
                    Little did we know that if they hadn't come back at all we'd have been better off.
            
To be continued, when my daughter is not literally clawing at me to get off the computer. Gotta' trim those nails.

"I had a great '70s. I survived it, and that's always good news."

Just watched the American Masters episode on Jeff Bridges, and discovered we are virtually the same.

                                 Bridges moved out at 17, and took 4 years to grow-up and realize his parents were  
 humans.   CHECK.
                                 Bridges convinced a gorgeous 21 year old to spend the rest of her life with him.
                 CHECK.
                                 Bridges is an Oscar winning major motion picture star, and all around artist.
                         OK.
                                 Here's where things fall apart a little.

Time is soooo bendy

It's 1/11/11.

        I feel the need to make some reference to drugs and/or Salvador Dali.

                     I like drugs, and Salvador Dali.

                                                                           There we go.

Losin' My Cool

I had my Colonoscopy today, and got the "all clear". Looks like I've officially blown it.

I should of died young.

Might as well buy a Mini-Van...or get hit by one.