I Am The Gay Son My Mother Always Wanted (without the whole man on man love thing)

I spent  an inordinate amount of time on the phone today talking in , sadly, great detail, about the ROYAL WEDDING.

If I wind up coming out in my 401K years, I think we can all look back and say "DOY!"

Because...I Care

So yet again my wife, Brunhilda, and my daughter, Gretel, are both sick at the same time. One of them is vomiting all over themselves, others, and furniture. The other sounds like somebody shoved a goose into their sinuses when they talk.

I'll leave it to your imaginations which is which.

My point is...Drum-Roll Please...(Hear Drum-Roll in head) I'm as healthy as an Ox. I smoke, drink, and do drugs and that's my diet (Hear Rim-Shot in head).

But seriously folks, I think I may be the genetic freak so many of you have suspected I was. I mean who gets told two different times they might have two different types of cancer by two different doctors, only to be told TWICE "Well no it's not cancer, but you've got all the symptoms."

ME! That's who. So seeing as my "healthy living" wife and daughter are the apparent sickies in the family, I am now officially announcing the Verbal Hooligan Lifestyle Plan (Trademark/Patent Pending).

Smoke, Drink, Do Drugs.

And kids, I'm a professional. You can trust me.

Things You Don't Need To Know

So I've been sweating the idea that I had testicular cancer for a few weeks. You know, what with the doctors saying as much. Thanks to my freakish genetics, turns out, I don't.  And yet again they can't figure out why I have the symptoms, but not the disease.

The boys may be hanging lower than ever, but knowing they get to stay a pair, they're riding high.

Figuratively of course. I'm 42. My balls droop.

If Not Me , Who? If not Now, When?

I've decided to start my memoirs, "The Common Decency Of A Misanthrope". I thought I would tempt you, my faithful reader, with the opening line.

"If I've ever met you chances are I hate you. BUT... I never let you know it."

Actually, screw the memoir. I've said everything neanderthal, miscreants like you deserve to hear.

FUCK OFF!