A Drunken Thought For the New Year

With the New START treaty having been ratified, does this signal a precursor to a more sensible...waitaminnit', I'm drunk.

I love my wifes boobies.

There, that's better.
                                                      HAPPY (drunken) NEW YEAR!!!
                                                                                                                  - V.H.

A Holiday Greeting To Both Of My Readers

"Really? This is it?! This is what you got me?!?!?"
                                - Jesus to his dad at the first Christmas

                                                 And to all a good night.
    

Livin' Middle-Age on The Edge

When you cough up something that looks like a miniature H.P. Lovecraft creature, and you can't see any blood, well that's a good day.

How's your day been?

Proof I've Lived Too Long In Four Words

Colonoscopy on January sixth.

I'm Thinking Esperanto

Does anyone know if "Entenmann's"  means "Lucifer's"  in another language?

Because I'm Not Too Bright

I'm seriously considering going back to stand-up.

You know, what with my marriage, and child-rearing going well, it just wouldn't feel like me if I didn't do all I could to screw things up.

The important thing is that I'm growing as a person.


Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I couldn't even TYPE that without laughing.

My Cheap Ass Parents Only Got The 40 Year Warranty

I have to get an MRI on my knee because it clicks, grinds, and pops. (You may remember that phrase as a less successful breakfast cereals ad campaign.) It's a direct result of the car clipping me.

The Colonoscopy, while also forthcoming, is unrelated.

I'm fairly certain getting older sucks.

Happy Thanksgiving

While holding a rigid, phallic object, my Mother-In-Law said "Boner".

Then pointed out to me she had just said "Boner", and I have a blog.

"BONER".

I Have More Fun Than You (But you knew that already)

I went to Pee-Wee's show on Broadway tonight. Then Pee-Wee came out to talk to us stage door Johnny's that stuck around.

And I was drunk, AND stoned*.

*See Post Heading

Further Proof That My Wife Is Cooler Than Yours

Did YOUR wife design the lobby for Radio City Music Hall's Christmas Spectacular? No, she didn't.

Guess how I know.

(Diabolical-Mad-Scientist/Proud-Of-Spouse/Holiday Laughter) BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HO-HO-HO!

My Sponsor Is Dead, I need Help

I just discovered T.J. HOOKER is in syndication.

As Though It Matters

I just noticed that my last post was number 50.

Sadly I forgot the balloons.

Feel free to have a sugary snack on my behalf.

I Almost Died Recently, Explained.

In the intonation of one of the great humanitarians of our time, I ask;"Can you say hit and run?"
HA! Bet you didn't see that one coming?...Get it, hit and run, "see that one coming"?....Hello McFly? Is this Mic on?

O.K. I've told my mom, the x-rays came back fine, so here it is.

I was at my daughter Griseldas school's fall fair. Left early, running for a bus, with the walk sign in my favor an impatient cabbie decided the light wasn't red enough for him.
He tried to mow me down, I jumped, nothing broken. Just purpled, and swollened (If they aren't real words they should be. Seriously, say them outloud, they're fun). However I am sore, and stiff, and 42. Most of which I blame on the cabbie.

But now I'm back...for the 3 of you that care. Also, I've learned a valuable life lesson.

Almost dying doesn't teach you shit! Other than, who wants to be dead?

I Almost Died Recently, But That's A Post For Another Time

So my wife is off at the, Bette Midler hosted, annual "Hula-Ween Ball". It's a charity event for NYC's parks, and greenery.
The great irony is, she wishes she was home, I wish I was out.

I guess what I'm saying is children ruin everything.

Them and fluorescent lighting.

I Can't Take a Compliment

So I turned 42 the other day, and had the distinct pleasure of 2 different strangers telling me I looked much younger. The second one asked what my secret was. I said;
"The regular, and ritualistic, killing of hobos."

Strangers just don't get my sense of humor.

The Grim Reaper Can Suck It!

So I'm less than 12 hours away from turning 42, and the bony fuck still hasn't been able to catch me. That's right, you heard me, I called you a "bony fuck". Whatta' ya' gonna' do about-.....what's that tingling in my left arm?
I gotta' go.


P.S.- The house is now taking odds on Birthday 43 actually occurring.

The Obvious

My birthday is this week, and I'm of two minds; (happily) "HOLY CRAP I'M STILL ALIVE!", and (resignedly) "holy crap I'm STILL alive?".

I've done my part. Why hasn't someone killed me already?

"The cat's in the bag, the bag's in the river."

In the alternate universe where I get to Greenlight big Hollywood studio remakes, I would hire Sorkin to update "The Sweet Smell of Success".

Then I would cast James Franco, and Michael Douglas.

And then we'd all dance around the gumdrop fountain, under the marshmallow tree.

I miss LSD.

Feelin' Outta' Touch

Just watched the Bryan Cranston hosted episode of SNL. Am I wrong,which would be the norm, or were there more clever, and witty pieces than usual?

Also, when did Kanye start performing in The Negative Zone?

The previous line is meant to be understood by SNL viewing, comic book geeks only.

Proof That My Wife Is Cooler Than Yours Ctd.

Rose Colored glasses aside, she can still be an unthinking Uber-Bitch.

So I got THAT goin' for me.

Proof That My Wife Is Cooler Than Yours

Is YOUR wife designing Bette Midlers "Hula-Ween" costume. No, she isn't.

Guess how I know.

(Diabolical-Mad-Scientist/Proud-of-spouse Laughter) BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!

She's Definitely Mine

I was informed today that for a full straight week, my daughter was the only member of her 10 kid class who refused to dance. According to one of her teachers, "She sat on the floor...with a...DIFFERENT kind of smile, watching the others."

In my family, that's known as laughing at the dorks.

My daughter will someday eat Martha Stewarts heart on camera, as she assumes her rightful place.

Or possibly work in real estate. It's too soon to tell.

Is this the 80's? Am I 17?

Not only am I going to see Pee-Wee Herman on Broadway, there are new movies from both Wes Craven and, more importantly, John Carpenter coming this Fall.

Does this mean I need to start doing coke again?

To All Non-New Yorkers Who Have An Opinion On The Mosque 2 Blocks Away From "Ground Zero" Part 3

Well I've fuckin' had it! I've been a misanthropic son of a bitch at least as long as I've known what the word misanthropic meant. This racist shit however has me around the bend. I already live in Manhattan, does anyone think there's a more tolerant citizenry anywhere else in this country, where can I go from here?

Seriously people, do you want to lose a voice like mine to Canada or Europe?

To All Non-New Yorkers Who Have An Opinion On The Mosque 2 Blocks Away From "Ground Zero" Part 2

We are but a simple island people. Why must you mainlanders try and impose your values upon us?

"This is not America"

I have tickets for both Pee-Wee Herman, and Spiderman on Broadway. Granted, it's two different shows, but still...how cool is that?

How Stupid/Paradoxical Can I Get?

I'm reading THE NEW YORKER review of Laura Linney's new Showtime series THE BIG C while smoking. Boy do I love irony.

All Is Right With The World

I just discovered that "Humanoids From The Deep" is out on Blu-Ray. Oh yeah, 2 day delivery from Amazon. McClure will endure.

How To Discourage Overly Friendly Bartenders

HIM: What can I get ya'?
ME: A Bud.
HIM: So, what brings you 'round here?
ME:(Beat) Something not technically illegal, but...Wait, why do YOU wanna' know?

And then I drank in peace.

To All Non-New Yorkers Who Have An Opinion On The Mosque 2 Blocks Away From "Ground Zero"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

My Life On Drugs;Part 1 of an ongoing series

I started smoking pot when I was 9. I dropped acid for the first time at 13. When I think about how different my life might - AAHHH!BATS!....wait.What was I sayin'?

How I Know We're A Defunct Species

As of tonight, "The Bounty Hunter" with Rachel, and 300 man, is the number one Video On Demand in NYC. I'm both horrified, and strangely aroused.

Like when a clown dies.

What The Mrs. Misses

My daughter, Griselda (see earlier post ) was just trying to sing along to THE RAMONES "I Don't Wanna' Be A Good Boy" on an episode of WHAT'S NEW SCOOBY-DOO.

Now that the tears of joy have stopped, I just gotta' laugh.

Yet Another Dead Person I'm Gonna' Miss

"When I was younger I thought about women constantly...I was always running around looking for a good time...Now I've matured, my priorities have changed. I'm aware of what's really important: CRUSHING MY ENEMIES."
-Harvey Pekar
!939-2010

Don't Pay The Ransom. I Escaped!

So...Ernest Hemingway said "Write drunk, edit sober". What he neglected to mention was how drunk to get. Apparently the answer is "Not so much that you can't use a keyboard for weeks on end".
Live and learn (at least until full systemic renal failure).
In any case, I'm back faithful reader/dangerous drifter/soccer mom. Wow, I really do have an odd mix of friends. I'm looking at yoooouuuu soccer mom. Seriously, what ARE you doing hanging around with me? You're messin' with my rep.
So in closing, I'd like to quote one of my favorite movies of this, the first decade of the 21st century, and simply ask, "Do fish dream?".

I Feel Violated

I stumbled across "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" on HBO. I had forgotten. The movie is so bad, it's almost a religious experience. I'm serious. I'm considering making my daughter watch it when she turns 13.

European Pee-Thought

There was so much garlic in my dinner tonight, my pee now smells like an Italian subway.

A Parent's Pride

Now I'm not certain, but I coulda' sworn when I told my daughter that she missed it raining during her nap, she said; "Dammit'".
I could be mistaken/wishful thinking, but at the same time, she's a NYC kid, she's gonna' curse WAY above her grade level.

Maybe she's gifted.

My First Shameless Shilling

One of my favorite humans, JENNIFER STEIL, has her first book out. It's titled THE WOMAN WHO FELL FROM THE SKY, and is a memoir of her time in Yemen being the first foreigner to run a Yemeni newspaper.
                    An  English language newspaper, she's not THAT talented.
My significantly-better-half and I are on our way to a reading she's doing in a bar in Chelsea (for those of you that remember my gay pornographic greeting card days, it's that neighborhood).

             In as much sincerity as I can muster, BUY HER BOOK! It really is a good Summer read. Oh, and for my readers across the pond, don't buy the tabloids. They lie about her.

Late to the party

I just caught a glimpse of myself in our buildings lobby mirror. No wonder people cross the street when they see me coming (w/out my daughter, of course). With my black, sleeveless t-shirt, board shorts, and "prison ink"...I'm a big, walking, rectangle of threat.

       I bet this is why nobody sits next to me on the subway.

I've Got The Place To Myself

So I just finished watching the remake of Wes Cravens "The Last House On The Left". Not only is it quite possibly the best remake I've ever seen, but the message of revenge/problem solving through violence, was so well executed, I feel like voting Republican.
It is one of the hardest movies to watch  since "Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer". So if you didn't find Henry to be the laugh a minute fun-guy I did, avoid Krug and "Last House..." at all costs.
                     Seriously. There's rape and stuff.
However, if you've got a high tolerance for fictional portrayals of man's inhumanity to man, and like a well done revenge movie....well this is MY favorite since "Death Sentence" with Kevin Bacon.
           Mmmm!......Vigilantilicious.

To My Readers

So here it is. Who wants to actually acknowledge they're looking at my blog? I know it's only people who know me, but my own wife hasn't even taken the time to tell me I suck.

So I'm running a contest. The first person to admit in a comment section, old or new (I'll check), that they have wasted a part of their life by actually reading these ramblings, well they will be spared when I finally snap.

Admit it, we all know it's coming. Do you really wanna' run the risk? Also my daughter turned three. But you knew that.......where's my garrote?

The Future = Yeah, like I fuckin' know

Maybe It's simply because I'm high, or drunk, but kids are assholes. Oh wait, I forgot. It has nothing to do with age. Bummer. I guess my daughter is gonna' be as big an asshole as I am. Frakkin' genetics.

Great Futile Gestures

Playboy is going 3-D for their June issue. Ohhhh boy, the internet's in trouble now.

A Helluva' Town

I love being a New Yorker nowadays. Not only did we give a big ol' collective "Fuck you! We're busy." to terrorism, I just saw a map on Andrew Sullivans site that shows, per capita, NY uses less gasoline than any other state. We rock! (despite the wall street assholes)

The Four Happiest Words I've Ever Heard

"I do".  "I'm pregnant".

So....

So we woke up this morning to reports that Times Square almost blew up last night. You know what we did today? My wife and daughter went to the Bronx Zoo. I stayed home with a pinched nerve. So suck on that Al Qaeda/Taliban/Tim McVeigh wannabe'.
                When my wife and child are braver than the coward that tried to blow up his neighbors (Times Square is The Crossroads of the World) I think we've already won. 

Arizona: We think America sucks.

I live in NYC and have been wearing a t-shirt that reads "Suspected Terrorist" since 2003. Everyone chuckles sardonically when they see it, with the exception of the occasional tourist.
                                Turns out, it's the only "papers" you need where we've actually had a terrorist attack. I know Arizona is filled with scared old white people, but I thought they all hated "Guvmint" intervention. If only I were still young, and insane, instead of just the latter, I MIGHT find the experiment with a Police State amusing instead of nauseating.
                                Of course when I was young, and insane I thought Gordon Gekko was amusing.

Pee-Thought ( I've been saving this one )

My pee smells like the subway.

Blogs let you WKRP whatever you want

Booger.

Note to self

Must write post on why Nic Cage is the Steve McQueen of the 21st century.

It hurts my arm when I do this.

So, the other night, my wife and I were watching 30 Rock. Liz Lemon lists off what, to her, would be the attributes of the ideal man. When she finishes, I'm sitting there thinking "I'm fucking doomed!"
Much to my surprise, my wife turns to me and says "She just described you. Well, minus the being able to fix stuff part."
                   So I think the message to be found here is clear. My wife is in dire need of serious psychological counseling. That, and Tina Fey must run away with me. We could go to Amish country. Raise barns....I really hope my daughter wakes up soon.


                                              

Pee-Thought

If you went to UCONN in the late 80's, and did cocaine, thank you for the money....I wonder if I killed anyone?

Pee-Thought

As wrong as it is, when I'm facially groomed, I could pass as a professor. It must be in the genes.

Karma Experiment

So my 74 yr. old parents are watching my brothers pit bull Daisy (told ya' my life was weird),and while my mother is walking/being taken for a drag by the hell-hound, she gets pulled down a hill, hits her head, and loses her glasses.
The glasses are now lost in 5 inches of waiting to be mowed grass, at the cost of at least a couple hundred dollars, to my severely blurred mother. Here comes the Karma experiment.
My brother is due to mow the grass any day. I've instructed my mother not to tell him that the glasses are still out there somewhere. Should the pieces come flying up at him from the lawnmower blades, and impale themselves in his body to the tune of a couple hundred dollars in medical bills, would that be an indication of Karma?....oooh, wait!
Nobody tell my brother we're doing this, and if it works we can wait around to see if I get Karma'd for my quasi- Greek- tragedy prank.

I really just don't know what to do with myself when my daughters napping do I?

Thought of the day if you know where I live

I feel very tall in this neighborhood.

Pee-Thought

All the good quotes have been said.

For Birthdays Missed

It's dawned on me, I have been negligent in my b-day wishes to my family, and friends recently. As an attempt to make amends, I offer this blanket belated birthday greeting.
Dear(YOUR NAME HERE)- I couldn't feel worse that I wasn't able to wish you a more timely Happy (YOUR AGE HERE) Birthday! As you may, or may not know the (DOG, BABY, TWINS, IGUANA) gave us no end of headaches since last we talked. Then again I remember your bout with (IRRITABLE BOWEL, CONSERVATISM, GOUT) so I'm sure you know what I'm going through.
Everything here is well, and we look forward to hearing about your (BABY, BEING FIRED, DOG, LOSS OF HOUSE, IGUANA), and seeing you (SOON, IN THE FUTURE, WHEN OUR COURT DATE COMES).
All my (LOVE, CONTEMPT, DERISION, WELL WISHES)-

Verbal Hooligan

Question of the day

Is Hip-Hop dancing actually really fast Mime?

Parenting is HARD

Lucretia (names changed because it's a fucking blog where I'm gonna' write some fucked up shit), my daughter, has me worried. My wife is a successful, intelligent, professional and I'm...well...I'm not making things identifiably worse, and yet my daughter Paris, (see above) is acting like a Palin supporter.
Here, that's a bad thing.
"Why should I do anything to help others? What do I get? I see you helping poor people, WAHHHHH!" Now to be fair that's not just ex-half term gov. Palin behavior. It's all her ilk, and possibly Elk, I'm not familiar with voting rights in Alaska. Fortunately, we've caught it in time. Lindsay (again, see above) has had it pointed out to her that it is the decent thing to do to look out for the least off of us.
Now of course she asked what socialist- mother- killing- father- raper said such a thing, and for that I blame Arlo Guthrie. However once it was explained to her that it's good for the country that all its citizens be happy, healthy, and educated...well...
That's when she came at me with a sharpened copy of ATLAS SHRUGGED...

TO BE CONTINUED IN- Ayn Rand was a loathsome excuse for a human being
OR
Really? People are still defending this crap?

Syllogism of the Day

Mark Twain said,"If there is a god, he is a malign thug." I am a malign thug. Therefore...

Where to begin?

Well, first and foremost, I'm a freak.
I say this as a shortcut to anyone that doesn't want to be offended in their blog reading, because one of the most freakish things about me is my unerring ability to, eventually, offend everyone I meet. And by "eventually" I mean sooner, rather than later. And by "sooner, rather than later" I mean almost immediately.
It's a gift, I know. By the way, ALL religion is a bad thing....Nic Cage IS the most daring film actor in America....bespectacled brunettes who resemble librarians ARE the sexiest type of woman....Pandering to your wife IS cool....and there is NO rule of 3 in comedy.

It will never be worth it-
Verbal Hooligan