Arizona: We think America sucks.

I live in NYC and have been wearing a t-shirt that reads "Suspected Terrorist" since 2003. Everyone chuckles sardonically when they see it, with the exception of the occasional tourist.
                                Turns out, it's the only "papers" you need where we've actually had a terrorist attack. I know Arizona is filled with scared old white people, but I thought they all hated "Guvmint" intervention. If only I were still young, and insane, instead of just the latter, I MIGHT find the experiment with a Police State amusing instead of nauseating.
                                Of course when I was young, and insane I thought Gordon Gekko was amusing.

Pee-Thought ( I've been saving this one )

My pee smells like the subway.

Blogs let you WKRP whatever you want

Booger.

Note to self

Must write post on why Nic Cage is the Steve McQueen of the 21st century.

It hurts my arm when I do this.

So, the other night, my wife and I were watching 30 Rock. Liz Lemon lists off what, to her, would be the attributes of the ideal man. When she finishes, I'm sitting there thinking "I'm fucking doomed!"
Much to my surprise, my wife turns to me and says "She just described you. Well, minus the being able to fix stuff part."
                   So I think the message to be found here is clear. My wife is in dire need of serious psychological counseling. That, and Tina Fey must run away with me. We could go to Amish country. Raise barns....I really hope my daughter wakes up soon.


                                              

Pee-Thought

If you went to UCONN in the late 80's, and did cocaine, thank you for the money....I wonder if I killed anyone?

Pee-Thought

As wrong as it is, when I'm facially groomed, I could pass as a professor. It must be in the genes.

Karma Experiment

So my 74 yr. old parents are watching my brothers pit bull Daisy (told ya' my life was weird),and while my mother is walking/being taken for a drag by the hell-hound, she gets pulled down a hill, hits her head, and loses her glasses.
The glasses are now lost in 5 inches of waiting to be mowed grass, at the cost of at least a couple hundred dollars, to my severely blurred mother. Here comes the Karma experiment.
My brother is due to mow the grass any day. I've instructed my mother not to tell him that the glasses are still out there somewhere. Should the pieces come flying up at him from the lawnmower blades, and impale themselves in his body to the tune of a couple hundred dollars in medical bills, would that be an indication of Karma?....oooh, wait!
Nobody tell my brother we're doing this, and if it works we can wait around to see if I get Karma'd for my quasi- Greek- tragedy prank.

I really just don't know what to do with myself when my daughters napping do I?

Thought of the day if you know where I live

I feel very tall in this neighborhood.

Pee-Thought

All the good quotes have been said.

For Birthdays Missed

It's dawned on me, I have been negligent in my b-day wishes to my family, and friends recently. As an attempt to make amends, I offer this blanket belated birthday greeting.
Dear(YOUR NAME HERE)- I couldn't feel worse that I wasn't able to wish you a more timely Happy (YOUR AGE HERE) Birthday! As you may, or may not know the (DOG, BABY, TWINS, IGUANA) gave us no end of headaches since last we talked. Then again I remember your bout with (IRRITABLE BOWEL, CONSERVATISM, GOUT) so I'm sure you know what I'm going through.
Everything here is well, and we look forward to hearing about your (BABY, BEING FIRED, DOG, LOSS OF HOUSE, IGUANA), and seeing you (SOON, IN THE FUTURE, WHEN OUR COURT DATE COMES).
All my (LOVE, CONTEMPT, DERISION, WELL WISHES)-

Verbal Hooligan

Question of the day

Is Hip-Hop dancing actually really fast Mime?

Parenting is HARD

Lucretia (names changed because it's a fucking blog where I'm gonna' write some fucked up shit), my daughter, has me worried. My wife is a successful, intelligent, professional and I'm...well...I'm not making things identifiably worse, and yet my daughter Paris, (see above) is acting like a Palin supporter.
Here, that's a bad thing.
"Why should I do anything to help others? What do I get? I see you helping poor people, WAHHHHH!" Now to be fair that's not just ex-half term gov. Palin behavior. It's all her ilk, and possibly Elk, I'm not familiar with voting rights in Alaska. Fortunately, we've caught it in time. Lindsay (again, see above) has had it pointed out to her that it is the decent thing to do to look out for the least off of us.
Now of course she asked what socialist- mother- killing- father- raper said such a thing, and for that I blame Arlo Guthrie. However once it was explained to her that it's good for the country that all its citizens be happy, healthy, and educated...well...
That's when she came at me with a sharpened copy of ATLAS SHRUGGED...

TO BE CONTINUED IN- Ayn Rand was a loathsome excuse for a human being
OR
Really? People are still defending this crap?

Syllogism of the Day

Mark Twain said,"If there is a god, he is a malign thug." I am a malign thug. Therefore...

Where to begin?

Well, first and foremost, I'm a freak.
I say this as a shortcut to anyone that doesn't want to be offended in their blog reading, because one of the most freakish things about me is my unerring ability to, eventually, offend everyone I meet. And by "eventually" I mean sooner, rather than later. And by "sooner, rather than later" I mean almost immediately.
It's a gift, I know. By the way, ALL religion is a bad thing....Nic Cage IS the most daring film actor in America....bespectacled brunettes who resemble librarians ARE the sexiest type of woman....Pandering to your wife IS cool....and there is NO rule of 3 in comedy.

It will never be worth it-
Verbal Hooligan